Sex and… sensibility, part two: I want to think like a man!

Nothing was to be said about the night in the chalet. He keeps taking me out, I sometimes insist paying the bill and he agrees, just to make sure I won’t say “no” the next time…

When we finally get to a kiss on my living-room sofa, it turns out it’s not so bad as I have expected. His lips have a sweet softness but the reserve and weirdness that have delayed the moment for so long are still present. We are stubborn in keeping a purely high intellectual relationship, we compete in literature, music, art and even cooking.

Sundays are the best in doing all these and as long as I’m asking myself many times what the hell I’m doing next to this man and not being able to answer to it, everything is ok…

He doesn’t ask me anything but has become my buddy, my dance partner, chef and confident.

And the next thing that comes to my mind is “I have to do it”. I cautiously prepare myself , looking in the mirror, scrutinizing every thin line and frowning :” My dear, you are going to do it and you will feel absolutely nothing afterwards. Why not ? A lot of men do it and the world still keeps spinning around….so what importance does it make this man hasn’t lavished his chemistry or he has but not a single drop has reached you?”

Yes, I’m content, a certain determination lays on my face and nothing can stop me now.

I throw my clothes in a desperate attempt to hasten the moment and as soon as I’m in bed I pull the blanket up to my neck and keep my eyes wide…shut.( normally I enjoy my lover’s eyes resting on my naked body ) At times, I peep at the other corner of the bedroom where Ron neatly arranges his trousers on the back of a chair. I feel like bursting into laughter and think ” bad sign ‘! He finally reaches the bed and lies next to me. I want everything to work out and the two bottles of red wine ought to help. It’s strange but I can’t recollect too much of it, just our both efforts in trying to do it right and my immediate desire that everything should be over. It’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced before and sex dilutes in sense…

I slam the door, breathe deeply and start whistling as I’m walking down the street, I feel young, free and unburdened and I’m sure I’ll never see him again…

A strange association crosses my mind and I alter words : chemistry , sensible, chimera…, .yeah, yeah, I’m going to write a poem soon…

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