es, this one’s all about those brave chaps out there, the almighty, retarded, uberconfident, don’t-need-fucking-manners Romanian drivers. Oh, I waited a lifetime to write this, I’ll even make an youtube account and video to start a new dimension of the series on how much life in Romania and Romanians can stink. And yes, I’m one of them.. a Romanian ex-driver currently. So I should know, right? Let’s hop-in and take the ride to Suckland!
Parking:
The fuck, parking in Romania makes Neil Armstrong’s so-called Moon landing look like a child’s play. Apart from the fact that’s as difficult as performing brain surgery with a scalpel driven by a crane, the other difficult part is finding a parking place – and that’s an adventure on its own – you’d be luckier trying to take a photo of Big-Foot taking a dump in the far Earth orbit! But I’ll assume you find one, otherwise there’s no point in carrying on with this ass of a post. So, you found one and you’re now employing the power of a Cray Supercomputer to find the trajectory that allows you to parallel park while trying not to waste your car. One tiny mistake and you’re bound to scratch it, dent it, slash it, drench it in a puddle of mud, get it stuck up on a roadside stone that’s higher than Fucking Everest because of a particular guy’s actions (VIDEANU!!!!). But yet again! I’ll be merciful and assume you’re one of those skilled naturals that can put the NASA computing labs to shame and do manage to park your car flawlessly. You have that grin of contentment on yer face, deeply satisfied, but hey! You have to circle Antares (the star you ignorant!) twice before you can reach home. I never said you’d find a parking place close to home. But the fun really starts the next day where you find your car to be:
apparently ok, but with a bad windshield wipers day. There’s at least one dominant fat ass that decided you’re threading on his territory, his God given parking space, the space he was entitled to long before fucking Pangaea split. So here’s the message for ya: don’t ever park there next time or he’ll shit on your car through its exhaust pipe so hard that it will make those damn wipers stay erect as if they were forged that way. I never, but never understood why these retards find it useful to lift your windshield wipers thinking they’re intimidating people. For one thing, how the hell did they grow so obnoxious and get the impression they’re entitled to put their genitals on the World’s forehead? Who the fuck raised these hillbillies this way, the inbred of a cow and a pig? Stop lifting those goddamn wiper, you asswipes! You didn’t pay for the fucking parking spot, and if you live nearby, you don’t have a lease from Jesus himself for that place! Just because the place where you shit is near to that spot, it doesn’t make it your territory, you slimy baboons!
bearing some modern art, apparently tribal markings.. that prove to be just the timid attempt of a frustrated asshole to perform modern art sculptures. With the fucking car keys! On your damn bodywork! What a prick, possessed by the retarded demons of Neanderthal cave drawing! That’s sure to give you a free ticket to the not-so-free paint shop! Oh wait, first you have to pay a visit to the Police and fill out 10 forms because it’s the only thing those damn pricks are good at, oh no, not finding out who did that, but filling forms and making you wait for those forms to be processed. Oh yea, 1850’s style baby! It so happens that scratches are inevitable, and they do appear after the prick warns you by lifting your wipers!
completely and utterly gone! Where? The outskirts of town! Where the depo of the goddamn filthy jackasses that were so good in school that they decided to start an Illegal Parking Towing Company. Oh, these guys are smart! They usually tow away any car that the Corrupt Local Council can tag as being illegally parked! And it’s easy to do that thinking about how difficult is to just find a parking place! Not to mention the fact that if you happen to drive an Ocean Liner (any German or Big Ass American Gangsta SUV, or a 128 cylinder limo for that matter of fact) and block a one way road, they’re not gonna touch even a hair on your shadow! They don’t mess with corrupt rich people! they’re smart, so you’re gonna be their sucker, sucker! Apart from the fact that your car is not there any more, you’ll find out you have to pay two days of fine, even if you’re just 25 hours late.. fractions, as I said, is something these smart asses ignored in school, their calculators haven’t heard of floating point. And if you ask the police why they towed away your car: “Sir, it’s because you parked in a green area!”.. Green areas and Bucharest? Didn’t I mention puddles of mud, roadside stones over roadside stones, stones, garbage, dead dogs, rabid dogs, condoms, proofs of faulty condoms from twenty years ago, homeless camps and junkies? Well, they’re right, if you count the GREEN from all of those JUNKIES, then yes.. They must protect the Green Areas, yes Sir-e! Now pay up, fool!
missing, and it was stolen.. and yes, you are F-U-C-K-E-D.. the Romanian Police will take charge of the case! You heard me, F-U-C-K-E-D!! Learn to spell it, you’re gonna hear it a lot!
It’s time we move on with our post and describe something a bit more.. dynamic. YES! Literally making that wheel spin.
Driving:
That’s ok, we all enjoy a nice drive. But wait, in Romania!? You gotta be shitting me mate! Again, I resort to dissing Neil Armstrong and the guys that went driving those stupid moon buggies. They should’ve tried Romanian roads and only after successfully driving a century old Dacia for 100 km to attempt driving on the moon. That’s because the old Dacias, the Romanian communist clones of Renault 12 were so badly made that nobody cared if they got wrecked while road-killing an ant. They got one good side, they blended with nature parts such as: sticks, stones, granite, rusty wires, spit, duct tape, grass.. but not in a camouflage/stealthy sense, oh no! Those were indispensable repair tools for your damn ass of a car engine! Don’t even ask!
Oh joy, Romanian roads! Like I said, even Berlin in 45 looked like a dreamland in comparison to how some “European” roads look like. Just cross the border from Hungary into Romania, if ya don’t believe me! You’ll see wooden pikes telling you where the side of the road should, technically, be! The rest is just imagination.. don’t have it?! Don’t drive, punk! The road is there, just imagine it!
By the way, the big ass cross-country 4×4 Humvees won’t make it. It’s better to fly over the craters in our roads. And as a fact, we like them so much that we embed them in our new motorways as well! After exactly one year, they will emerge as if they were sown. Just add water, you’ll have lakes, craters.. don’t bother looking for any meteorites, bombs or shells. Our roads evaporate and reveal those marvelous craters! That’s why they cost so much to build! It’s not easy to make asphalt that;s so environment friendly that vanishes overnight! Instead of building roads, the Romanian government could save up on money and build glasshouses on the fucking Moon.. that’s how much 1km of highway costs. Oh well, but someone has to be richer than all fucking Arab princes in the world, doesn’t he?
outside of town: like I said, watch out for’em craters! You might think the Dinosaurs went extinct because of meteorites and Romania’s the proof, but you’re wrong again. Our asphalt dissolves and drills holes into the ground, cement and so on. Damn asphalt! Want to see a beautiful landscape? We have: mountains of garbage, deserted/abandoned crop fields, poor-people villages, ghettos, stray dogs, picnic campers that fry baking soda enriched meatballs and drive away the songbirds by pumping up the volume of cheap, stupid, dirty Manele music
the Highway(s): All one and a half distinct and functional highways Romania has.. and they’re sure to present you with a Next-Generation experience: the Photon-Torpedo SUV Jean-Luc Picard driver! This is usually a gypsy asshole wannabe-gangster, a Romanian wannabe-gypsy, or a corporate never-worked-for-their-money filthy rich son of a bitch. They all tend to drive the same cars: impotent off-roaders that are overpriced and able to reliably hike only flat ant-hills. But they sure do trick the Romanian harlots into riding them..erm.. that came out wrong, riding next to these drivers. (Did you think MOST Romanian moms are smarter than their offspring? How come that we’re 22 million assholes then? Productive moms, yeah! FTW! Nothing wrong here, but they’re as stupid as a mad-cow diseased dead earth-worm). So these drivers think they’re kings of that fucking road and that when they shift gears, they’re actually sending a Warp Level request to Mr Worf! The ultimate proof is that these smooth-brain ass mongers will fire their phasers and launch photon torpedoes by nervously pulsing their headlights just so they can go faster than you on the fast lane! And you’re already doing 10 miles over the limit! They NEED to reach light-speed before they die, and the Romanian Highway is the only place they can show others how fast their car is and how big their duck is. Oh yeah, these babies will blind you if you dare to look in the rear-view mirror. I swear, 90% of Germany’s SUV Mercedes/BMW/Audi/VW and alikes end up on those 250 Km of so-called Romanian Highways! What the fuck? I’m so poor that I have to eat baloney for the next 50 years just to take one of those huge ass Submarine class cars for a test drive! How the fuck is it possible for this CUNTRY to have so many retards that afford those expensive sons of bitches? It’s like the Star-Trek fleet flooding the asphalt! The Fuck People!!!
FINALLY! (Sh)(C)ity Roads: The streets of Bucharest are the ultimate exhibit of idiots! Crazy drivers speeding to catch the orange light as if it was the only way to make it through an intersection. Shitty drivers that decide to park exactly when they see a spot. Who needs direction lights/signals? Fuck the guy on your tail! Hit the damn brake, he’ll have to jump through the windshield if he’s not careful! Oh yeah, and why not stop for the light exactly on the pedestrian crossing! It’s that extra 2 meter advantage that will give you the ultimate 10 nanosecond edge! Fuck the guys that have to hunk and flash their lights rabidly to alert you that the green light was on for the half past minute! You’re DA BOSS! And if you’re a pedestrian trying to cross the street, walk, or even get out of your house.. remember! The law of impulse says that he who has the bigger mass.. will tear your ass! And that’s the only law that applies! Even though the Police don’t know Physics, they also seem to agree with this one law. And of course, they seem to be more knowledgeable as the amount of cash in the driver’s bank deposit is bigger! That’s what makes the law of Physics affect some people more than others.. I swear, is this the fucking Matrix?
POINT IS: Romania will drive you madder than the hatter was when he snorted cocaine with Keith Richards off of Ozzy Osbourne’s ass!